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New David Ortiz Skit on Saturday Night Live in Time for MLB Opening Day

A new SNL skit parodying David Ortiz aired on Saturday night's episode. Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports
A new SNL skit parodying David Ortiz aired on Saturday night's episode.
Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

Saturday Night Live may not be in its prime, but one reoccurring skit they’ve done over the last few months on occasion is a parody of Boston Red Sox slugger David Ortiz. Played by Kenan Thompson, the Big Papi character he portrays is an over-the-top version of the Red Sox star. The newest skit from last night’s episode had Ortiz going on Weekend Update to discuss his retirement plans….and food.


Troy Tulowitzki Placed on DL After Looking at Rogers Centre Turf

Troy Tulowitzki suffered an injury after looking at the horrible turf at Rogers Centre in Toronto. Dan Hamilton-USA TODAY Sports
Troy Tulowitzki suffered an injury after looking at the horrible turf at Rogers Centre in Toronto.
Dan Hamilton-USA TODAY Sports

Often injured start shortstop Troy Tulowitzki is spending this offseason wrapped in a bubble away from harm. He is only allowed to eat liquid foods as solids have given him concussions in the past. Unfortunately even these precautions were not enough to save him from his latest injury.

Tulowitzi met with fans at the Rogers Centre in Toronto for an event hosted by the Blue Jays. Before even stepping on the field, Tulowitzki suffered a knee injury just looking at the infamous Rogers Centre turf.

“His knees buckled and we heard something crack,” said one bandwagon fan. “It’s a huge loss for the team. I’m not sure I’ll bother paying attention anymore.”

Thankfully the Blue Jays will not play again until opening day of 2016 so Tulowitzki has plenty of time to recover from the injury. According to the doctor who examined him, Tulo should heal in 2-3 months without surgery. Upon hearing the good news, Tulowitzki was delighted. The delight, however, caused him to suffer a pain in his lower abdomen which has set back his previous injury for several more months.


Bartolo Colon Retires From Diet and Exercise

Professional athlete Bartolo Colon retired today from diet and exercise. Dennis Wierzbicki-USA TODAY Sports
Professional athlete Bartolo Colon retired today from diet and exercise.
Dennis Wierzbicki-USA TODAY Sports

Today the always lovable Bartolo Colon announced his decision to retire from ever losing weight. Clocking in at 5’11 and 285 pounds, the veteran pitcher who spent last season with the New York Mets has no plans on ever watching his caloric intake.

A reasonable decision to make, Colon is a 42-year-old free agent who is less than $5 million shy of earning $100 million in his career. Needless to say, if any of us earned this much money, we wouldn’t watch what we ate either. We can pay people to like us!

As for whether or not he plans to play baseball next season Colon remains undecided. He’ll eat a ton this offseason and see how he feels in the spring once he finishes hibernating. Considering price is no obstacle for him because he has somehow made a career out of being a professional athlete with the body of a large sofa, it’s a good idea to assume he won’t lumber onto a baseball field ever again.


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